Why hasn't anyone thought of a thread like this before, especially on a place like this one?

For those of you who are not in the know and/or who have never read Calvin & Hobbes, the rules of Calvinball are right here: Multimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or

Essentially, the only rule that you have to worry about if that Calvinball must never be played the same way twice. Anything and everything else is allowed.

Basically, it's like Weed War, only with a rule in place that will hopefully prevent stagnation of this thread much like Weed War stagnated.

By the way, my first rule is that everybody except for me must hit themselves in their heads with a salmon every 30 seconds. You will find your salmons in the Bermuda Triangle, which is the zone that we call "Hammerspace" (Multimedia File Viewing and Clickable Links are available for Registered Members only!!  You need to or ), until of course, someone calls it something else...

Now it's your turn, so that's all from me for all, folks!

Rule number three: Termite is hereby exempt from rule number one.

Please note that I am only giving her this leniency because she is a mother, and therefore, she has enough of a headache just dealing with her children already without having to hit herself in the head with a salmon every 30 seconds   .

As for the need for someone or something to alleviate her problems regarding taking care of her kids while she is taking her nap, I have taken the liberty of scrounging up some spare parts in my lab, which for the purposes of Calvinball shall be named the Robot-Building Zone until further notice, that were left over from my various other experiments over the years, creating some other parts in order to ensure that the spare parts actually work together, and slapping it all together into the form of a crude, simple, but (hopefully) effective humanoid babysitter robot. Don't worry about the remote but tangible risks of it destroying everyone and everything that you hold dear, for it comes pre-programmed with Issac Asimov's Three Laws, which are as follows:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.



And besides, if none of that works, it comes with its own remote, which in an emergency, can be used to turn it off swiftly, promptly, and (relatively) harmlessly.

Now that I have (probably) solved Termite's problems with her kids and (definitely) relieved her from having to whap her head with a salmon every 30 seconds, let us (hopefully) continue our game of Calvinball! Hip, hip, hooray for Calvinball! 

Argh ... I knew that I should have claimed the hockey stick before any one else did ... Oh well, I guess I'll just have to grab the baseball bat instead ... Now that I have done that, let the game really begin! Last one to the Entrance Zone (a hill that overlooks the entire playing area, for you people who are Calvinball-Challenged) has to talk in rhymes ala Yogi Bear (who's smarter than the average bear!) until they find an old-fashioned pic-a-nic basket !

Rule #42: Once everybody makes it up the hill, they must roll down the side of the hill which is opposite the side that they walked up the hill in the first place.

They must allow themselves to come to a complete stop naturally (that is, without forcing themselves to stop in any way whatsoever), and they must comply with the rules/regulations/monsters/traps/tips/tricks/doohickeys of whatever and/or whichever zone/area/time/creek stream/space/level/doohickey that they land in once they have come to said complete and utter natural stop.

And oh yeah, before anyone calls me on the sheer verbosity/repetition of all of the above, I am hereby officially making up another rule:

Rule #77: Repetition is hereby allowed in certain circumstances during the play of Calvinball. Since I (The Lazy Writer) came up with this rule, I will hereby be the judge of whether the repetition is allowed or not.

Since I am obviously starting to lose control of this game to Jon, I shall institute a new rule in order to tip the scales back to my side just a little wee bit:

Rule #27(f)(g)(h)x: Hypocrisy is hereby allowed in certain circumstances during the play of Calvinball. Since I (The Lazy Writer) came up with this rule, I will hereby be the judge of whether the hypocrisy is allowed or not . Anyone who judges hypocrisy other than me shall have their salmon and/or main weapon in general taken away from them until an apology note and/or apology letter has been suffienciently composed and accepted by me. And oh yeah, by the way, I can reject the apologizer's note and/or letter for any reason whatsoever, regardless how pedantric and/or absurd that said reason is in the first place. And oh yeah, one final thing: All of this from "Anyone who judges..." below also retroactively applies to my previous repetition rule as well.

Jon wrote on 08/16/10 at 12:36am:


In light of Jon's refusal to accept the natural order of things in this Calvinball game, I'm afraid that I am going to have to institute the following new rule:

Rule #ff0000: Any time that anyone contradicts these rules for any reason at all, they shall have their salmon and/or main weapon taken away from them forever, and they shall never get it back, ever!! Not as long as I have a say about it, anyways ... In addition, Jon's amendment to Rule #27(f)(g)(h)x is denied, for I am still the Supreme King of Calvinball, and everybody should play it exactly my way, the same way always, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever ... and ever! And don't any of you forget that, by the way!

...

*Takes a momentary breather*

...

*Realizes something extremely important about the way that he's acting in this game, and begins to point it out right now, in 3, 2, 1...*

Wait a second, I'm turning into The Evil Fun-Stealing Monster^TM here! What exactly has happened to me anyways?! This isn't the spirit of Classical Calvinball^TM at all!!! Jon has really taught me something today that I won't soon forget, no I won't, for sure!

*Almost needless to say (yet, I'm saying it anyways), The Evil Fun-Stealing Monster's ^TM heart grew three sizes that day, back to its original size, and he became The Lazy Writer again*

*The Lazy Writer opts to turn time backwards all the way to Post #6/Reply #5, in order to bring back the spirit of Classical Calvinball^TM, for everybody and everyone to enjoy, now and forever*

Now that I have handled that little issue, let the game of Calvinball resume!