Your Mummy is a Nose Picker


From the book:

"Welcome Zgrbays and Gthrmays," said Stan. "May the Crease be with you. What's the news from Pan?"
"Not good," Zgrbays said gravely. "We intercepted a message from the Pan-Pan Travel Bureau complaint department in the Crab Nebula."
"From the Wide Wale himself?" asked Stan, impressed.
Gthrmays nodded grimly. "We haven't seen so many dissatisfied customers since the Big Dipper sprang a leak during SoupFest. Thousands of unhappy tourists are tearing at their belt loops and demanding their pantaloons back. The Wide Wale has received a snootful of the worst reports possible."
I had to ask. "Bad weather? Lousy food? Seedy hotels?"
"Even worse," said Zgrbays. "The nonhaving of fun."
"That's serious!" exclaimed Stan. "Cuffs will roll over this! What tourist attraction is creating such terrible problems? Have the lights gone out again on the Galactic Tour so nobody can see the dark matter?"
Zgrbays shook his head. "The complaints are coming from here. On Earth."
"On Earth?" Stan was appalled. "How can any Pant not love Earth? There are so many wonderful things to do here! Haven't they been caught in traffic jams, bitten by mosquitoes, and been forced to go to the dentist?"
"Yes, and they've enjoyed those merriments," confirmed Zgrbays. "Especially having their teeth drilled. But the main reason why Pants came here was for the allergies. And so far, no one has sneezed."
"But Earth has tons of stuff to be allergic to," I protested. "We've got it all --; dust, weeds, pollen, mold, and pet hair. We're practically the Disneyland of allergies. If you can't sneeze here, you won't sneeze anywhere!"
Gthrmoys looked down his nose at me. "Your primitive Q-class mind cannot begin to understand the capabilities of Smarty-Pants. We have beamed our nasal processors off an orbiting satellite to scan the entire Earth. No material on this planet will cause an allergic reaction in a Pant."
"Well, how about we give them all a cold then?" I persisted. "Maybe we could find some sick guy to sneeze on the silverware at the hotel they're staying at."
"Impractical," said Zgrbays. "Too many tourists, too few germs."
My exchange buddy was really upset. "But I, Stan, researched this. I looked back as far as the time of Ptlnys the Unbelievably Magnificent, the first Pant ever to reach Earth. He visited what Earthlings call ancient Egypt. According to his journals, he never stopped sneezing for five minutes due to a severe allergy to Nile Delta goldenrod."
"Do you think he could have been lying?" I asked.
The Smarty-Pants looked at me like I had just accused Santa Claus of Grand Theft Reindeer.
"Devin --; shhhh!" Stan scolded me. "You can't disrespect Ptlnys the Unbelievably Magnificent. He's Pan's most revered hero. He invented the nasal processor. He founded the Smarty-Pants. He was even important in Earth history. Who do you think it was who told Alexander the Good, 'If you really want to make your mark, Good just doesn't cut it. You're going to have to be Great'?"

Copyright © 2000 Gordon Korman used by permission

Devin figured their problems were pretty much over when he and Stan from Pan, the alien travel agent who had been posing as a foreign exchange student, had managed to get Earth named the next major vacation destination for all the travel-hungry Pants looking to explore the universe, but suddenly Stan finds himself in really big trouble.

Though the Earth is now safe from being destroyed, the Pant tourists aren't enjoying their stay on Earth, and Stan is about to be demoted and returned to his home planet in shame. See, the big selling point for Earth was that sneezing, eliminated on Pan eons ago, was still available on Earth, but as the Pants began arriving, they still found themselves unable to sneeze.

The solution lay well in the past, in the time of the pyramids, when a rare strain of plant life caused incredible allergies. The plant isn't alive in our own time, but time travel is a breeze for the highly advanced Pan civilization, and Devin and Stan venture back to ancient Egypt in the company of a couple of Smarty-Pants, the legendary thinkers of Pan.

Unfortunately, the Smarty-Pants more resemble a pair of absolute morons, and manage to utterly destroy Earth's entire timeline in a remarkably short period of time. And its up to Devin and Stan to manage to set things right.